Xemxija's Tumbles

$her-master: Why punish? I received a question from a reader in a long-term relationship who has recently begun exploring D/s and wanted to remain anonymous. (When I say long-term, think decades, so respect.) His question was basically trying to understand the role of punishment in a D/s relationship. And, once again, I don’t think I have any ultimate answer here. This is something my girl really struggles with at times. In the past, she has had a lot of trouble accepting any punishment at all (but I suspect we’ve broken through that barrier in the past few days as we overcame a major obstacle to her submission.) The first misconception about punishment is that they have to be dramatic, creative, or severe. It depends on the girl, but, simply being told you are unhappy and they screwed up can be devastating punishment for some girls. Nothing adjusts a girl’s attitude like being put over a knee and spanked like a child for a mistake. It’s not necessary to break out whips and belts and cuffs… I’d save that stuff for fun, not punishment. Keep punishments simple and directly connected to the event that caused the punishment. Also, when punished, the event is forgotten. It is very unfair to a girl for you to punish her for an infraction, and keep bringing the same mistake up in the future. Mistake. Punishment. Forgiven and forgotten. You have to understand that you are shaping her mind on a fundamental level. You are doing it with her full knowledge and consent, but you are changing the way she thinks. The normal process is “hear instruction -> think about it -> consider how to best do it or whether to not do it at all -> act.” For a submissive in a D/s relationship, this is unacceptable. For her, the process must be “hear instruction -> act.” I say. She does. This is the only way it can be. This is very unnatural for most people, so a process of training and behavior modification is needed. It is challenging (not just for her, btw. It will be very hard for the Dom too.) It will take a lot of time, and it will be highly emotionally charged. You can and must reinforce successes with encouragement, but failures and missteps must be addressed. Punishment is the tool to do that. In fact, for a submissive who truly wants to learn to submit, a punishment can actually be a great kindness. As a Dom, rethink your understanding of punishment. It’s not about hurting her or being cruel to her. It’s about shaping her thoughts so your will comes first… so she becomes the best submissive she can be… so that she obeys you without question. This is her place, and it is your job to help her find it.$